Friday, October 12, 2007

Lurking Near the Second-Floor Vending Machine

Dear Mr. Vending Machine Man:

You are well aware I must—no less than twice a week—eat Pop Tarts for breakfast.

I have always appreciated your discretion. If word were to get out that I crave this overly-processed concoction, even with its one daily serving of “fruit,” my reputation as a hard-ass health nut within this community nutrition organization could be compromised.

I am writing to request that you stop stocking the machine on the second floor, far from my department, with Pop Tarts of the Apple Strudel variety. Have you noticed that it is always that Pop Tart waiting to be distributed when you come by to restock? I do believe this is because no one likes the Apple Strudel Pop Tart, and once the first one appears to be dispensed all Pop Tart sales stop immediately and do not resume until something more suitable, such as Frosted Strawberry or Frosted Cherry is available.

The thing is, the Apple Strudel crumbles apart and isn’t very yummy straight out of the foil. It must be warmed up to be palatable.

I can’t be seen at the company toaster with a Pop Tart.

You understand, don’t you? Please stop stocking the Apple Strudel Pop Tart. Perhaps extra Frosted Blueberry Pop Tarts would be an appropriate substitute?

Thank you for your time and consideration in this delicate matter.




  1. Puahhahahaha!! Still laughing at the "serving of 'fruit'".

  2. I used to have pop tarts for breakfast at work sometimes too, at my old job. I sucked it up and put them in the toaster, and yes, I got mocked. So I feel your pain. Also, apple strudel? Gross. Even if it were warmed up.

  3. What's worse? The apple strudel or the weird "s'mores" flavor? I prefer the frosted brown sugar variety.

  4. Apple Strudel? That is BULLSHIT. I am a frosted strawberry girl all the way.

  5. Banana - I really can't convince myself there is anything still resembling the nutritional make-up of fruit in there, but whatever sells these things to the kiddos!

    Jess - you are a better woman than I.

    Flibberty - I have seen the brown sugar variety. But then where would I get my "fruit serving" for the morning?

    Tessie - love the VEHEMENCE with which you type. Absolutely.

  6. This also happens at my workplace. Only it's the brown sugar ones that no one will eat. We can see an entire row of cherry or strawberry or chocolate fudge (chocolate is a vegetable or fruit, I'm sure). But they just sit there behind that one remaining brown sugar one that no one will buy.

    I have actually paid for the brown sugar one and set it aside on the counter just to get to a flavor I could stomach. If you tell anyone this, I will of course, have to deny it.

  7. Ha HA! This is really funny. I lurve me some poptarts. I used to eat them waaay to often, and now feel like, "I'm an adult. No poptarts for me." Which is ridiculous, right? Especially because I usually end up eating chocolate frosting on graham crackers for breakfast instead. I am definitely getting myself some poptarts at the store this week.

  8. We all have a guilty junk food pleasure, and it's ok.

    You like pop tarts, I like Brach's candy corns and have been known to enjoy circus peanuts.

    Let she who is without sin, cast the first stone...

  9. Can you put an addendum to that letter please to the folks at Pop Tart and ask them to stop pretending to be remotely healthy and just give us more chocolate and cinnamon and frosting-coated tarts. Perhaps they can add caffine to them and then that would be a complete breakfast don't you think?

  10. Sooo funny! I see pop tarts in the store and wonder, who eats the ones without frosting? I'd go as far to say that I would hold out for the ones with frosting AND sprinkles. Especially if you're buying a whole box. To keep in your desk. Ahem.

  11. PixelPi - I've considered buying the damn Apple Strudel one to move it out of the way, too!

    Erin - chocolate frosting on graham crackers just might overtake my obsession with Pop Tarts.

    BiblioDiva - Circus peanuts?!?! Those do scare me a bit, but a certain, skinny Hispanic gentleman we both know (DR) happens to LOVE them.

  12. Penny - you have a brilliant mind. Want to be friends?

    LoriD - hint taken. Let's just say there is another item on my grocery list, and it is very specific.


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