Thursday, April 29, 2010

Come on, Universe. Please?

Currently the skies are as cerulean blue as I have ever seen. There isn't a cloud in sight. It is decieving; all that sunlight bouncing off of the buildings. It is also windy as hell and only about 34 degrees outside. It does not feel like spring in the slightest. Even the snow storm last night felt like a winter storm, not a "spring storm." And the 16 inches (16 INCHES!!!) that fell on Friday definitely didn't feel like a spring storm. As ridiculous as this sounds, it is hard not to start to feel hopeless.


A. will be packing tonight for a 9-day turkey hunt. He has been looking forward to this for months. He put in for vacation time months ago, and has been obsessively studying maps and videos since. He has even taught me how to purr and cluck like a turkey hen (using a slate thingy and a stick, not my voice! Gah.) Every morning for, oh, the last six weeks or so I have awoken to the calls of a turkey hen. He hops out of bed, ready to read more about turkeys until he can't take it anymore and he has to practice his calls. This is how I wake up. Every. Morning.

I must say, I have been a really good sport about it. While this behavior inches me closer to the edge, it is what has kept A. sane. It makes him happy and relaxed to have something to study and a hunt with which to look forward. He is so excited -- so relieved -- to leave the job he hates for a week and spend that time in country he is less familiar with than his traditional haunts. He can't wait to go to sleep under the stars and wake up quietly at dawn. He needs to fill his lungs with fresh air and empty his head of the annoyances of interacting with people all day.

This is his therapy. I may blather on to a patient woman in a small but tasteful office once a week, but he needs to go outside and not talk to anyone for a while. This is his balm to a life he is not too happy with right now. He really, really needs this week in the wilderness.


A. has been applying to jobs for just over a year now. He has received two interviews, a few rejection letters and more often than not, inconsiderate silence from the parties on the other end. For him, it has felt like a year of being told he isn't good enough. That working his way through college and graduate school was an utter waste of time. That he will never live the life he wants. That the little bit he is asking from the Universe is still more than he deserves. That his working toward a goal was foolish nonsense. That he has been duped.

This isn't true, of course. But hoo boy, Ii think it is hard for him. He can only hear that it isn't him, it's the job market so many times, you know? He can only leave the house to go to a job he loathes without any prospects in sight so many days. The process of putting himself out there at the mercy of a shitty economy has been dehumanizing and cruel.

It doesn't matter that others are going through the same thing. It is especially hard for me when a friend gets a promotion or a job they have been hoping for. A. is so kind, he only ever says that he is happy things worked out for them. He never lets himself say (or even think?? I don't know.) that he wishes it was him, just that once, that was delivering some good news.He is so generous and kind. He is so smart and perceptive. He is passionate about conservation smart land management. He would be such an asset to an agency. Why can't they see that?

He needs to be in the wilderness for a while.


The weather forecast for the entirety of A.'s hunt has been getting shittier and shittier. It is going to be cold, windy, rainy and snowing. Turkeys tend to shut up during weather such as this, making it nearly impossible to find them, much less lure them in with calling.

I am so nervous about his trip. The last thing he needs right now is for this trip to be a miserable bust. Plus, it makes me all sorts of uncomfortable to think he might be wet and cold for days on end. We just bought a new tent, as ours was destroyed by the shitty weather in his elk hunt that went bust. So at least he will have a comfy, roomy tent. But still.  I hope that just being out there will do him some good, but damn, it would be great if things went his way for a bit.

Now, don't get me wrong. He is not moping around the house, nor do I think he is spiraling into a depression. He does a great job of finding ways to keep himself happy and he tries not to dwell on the negative. But he is very discouraged when it comes to finding a job in his field. He is still funny and still laughs and is kind. But I can see how this weighs on him, and it is really breaking my heart. What can I do?

I want so badly to go have a talk with The Universe and say, "Hey. This is a good guy. Why are you being such a dick to him?"


  1. Oh, man. Sending hopes for a warm & dry week your way (not to mention a JOB, because COME ON.)

    I've gotta say, too, that I LOVE the image of A leaping out of a bed like a kid at Christmas so he can practice his turkey calls.

  2. Oh, I am so sorry. I know the feeling--we tried for two years (TWO YEARS) to get the hell out of DC before the pieces finally came together for us. It was so so so so so frustrating. I almost didn't accept my current job when it was offered to me because I planned to leave the job, and the city, shortly and I thought it would be rude. And then I ended up working there for a year and a half before we finally moved (and I'm still at the job now anyway). So it all worked out fine.

    My point is... oh, it sucks, and it's so hard not to feel defeated, and plus if he's in a job right now where he is really not happy, that just makes it all so much worse. And I agree with you, so much, that he DESERVES something good and it should be happening for him by now. But all I can do is keep the faith that he is sowing good karma and doing good things and advancing himself as much as possible through his work and education, and at some point this will come together for him and it will all have been worth it.

    My fingers are crossed that this happens soon, though. And that in the meantime his trip is everything he needs it to be.

  3. I'm so sorry. The only thing worse than being in a miserable, demoralizing situation yourself is watching your loved one go through it and being unable to do anything substantial to help.
    I hope for spring and good things!

  4. This is so tough. I get it, I totally do, and all I can say is that we think about you and A. a lot and hope that he finds a great job soon.

    I also hope that it stops snowing on you guys because it's getting ridiculous.

    Also? Lately the universe is being a miserable bitch who deserves her own kick in the shin.


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