I got feedback from Former Thesis Advisor Who Has Been Reinstated, Dammit (FTAWHBR).
It was vague-ish feedback, but enough for me to know he was unimpressed. I don't really care if he is impressed or not. My respect for FTAWHBR within academics is waning further and further. The thing is, he made all good points. I read his comments and thought, "Oh, yeah. Duh."
I am feeling overwhelmed. On the one hand, I really want to dive back in and get moving on the changes he suggested and move forward while I am inspired by his comments and wide awake and full of energy. Before I have spent my energy on a nine-hour work day. But I can't. I still have six more hours at work. And it is a good thing I am at work, because I am soooo behind here that I need to bust ass and try and get a few priority projects of my desk.
There are no minutes of my day where I am not under the pressure of deadlines. My back is bending from the pressure.
I feel like I am fucking up everything, everywhere for no good reason. What is this all for? I am not proud of the thesis; I don't think it answers any worthwhile question. When stating my thesis (of the thesis, ha!), and then trying to answer the "So what?" question, all I can come up with is, "...um." I just want to finish. Rather, I don't want to not finish. Does that make sense?
Let me share my never-fucking-ending mental dialogue:
Take a deep breath. I just need to back up, clear my head, and revise my plan. Clarify and purge anything that is getting in the way of a clear argument.
What argument? What the fuck am I doing? Do I have any goddamn clue of what I am doing? I am such a goddamn phony. If a degree is confired upon me it just proves what a joke academia really is.
This is a learning process. That is what this is about. It is to learn how to conduct research.
In my case, it is to learn how NOT to conduct it. Jesus Christ.
I just want my life back.
I can get it back when I finish.
What if I can't finish? I have never not finished something! I have NEVER had any trouble at all with academics. I swear, I used to be an imaginative, critical thinker. I could concentrate and focus and made some pretty fucking fantastic observations, if I do say so myself.
Where did that go? WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON?
I am tired.