Thursday, January 10, 2008

Adventures of a Wary Fitness Newbie: An Occassional Series

Last Friday, after work:

I waddled over to the gym, carrying my workout bag, my insulated lunch thingy, my purse and my hat and mittens. Apparently, I must carry clutter with me everywhere I go.

I swiped my card, entered the locker room and didn't even have to think about where my locker was. Rock on! In fact, I zipped right through my combination lock, too. Whoa. This is surely a sign that going to the gym and "running" has the potential of becoming a habit, no?

High from the fact that I actually remembered my combination, I pulled out my sneakers and started to disrobe. Just as I was about to rip off my shirt (ha!), one of my student employees, K., and her mother, walked in right at that moment and offered a cheery "hello!" I would have been just mortified if I'd been seen in my unmatching, unflattering, undergarments by a student I know. Urg.

Until they left, I busied myself with ridiculous tasks, drawn out to buy time. I gingerly took my iPod Shuffle out of my digital camera case (I don't want it to get scratched!) and laid it out. I carefully removed all of my workout clothes from my bag and laid them out neatly before me. I took off my shoes. I pulled out my sneakers, checked the laces. When I heard that K. and her mom were on their way out, I finished changing (I am a nerd, I know!). Of course, I'd packed sweatpant-capri thingies, but hadn't shaved my white legs of their long, dark, dark hair in days. I had a nice length of calf showing that was sexy, let me tell you.

I decided to brave the scale. Hopped on and discovered I'd only gained about three pounds over the holidays. Not bad! Woo hoo!

I head up to the track, as "running" in the treadmill scares the shit out of me. I just know I will be sucked underneath it. Sucked. Underneath. By a moving floor.

There weren't too many people on the track, even with New Year's Resolutions so new and fresh they were practically in cartoon bubbles above all of our heads. It was a Friday evening after work, and I suppose that may have had something to do with it.

Two young men were stretching and cooling down where I was stretching and warming up. I had my cute little iPod earbuds in, but didn't actually have the iPod playing just yet. (I am so silly - I actually wanted to draw out the anticipation of using it for the first time for just a bit longer. Nerd.) Confident that I couldn't hear them, they chatted away, continuing their discussion of the inconsistent treatment of the character Russ from the National Lampoon vacation movies. In particular, they were discussing Europe and Vegas.

I went out on the track and turned on my iPod and was in heaven. I had no idea what I was about to listen to or what was next! The suspense kept my mind off of the impending intervals of running and that was such a blessing.

I *heart* my iPod Shuffle so much.

And I think my Shuffle loves, me too. With four minutes left of my intervals and me wishing I was dead, Shuffle sent me a song by Corporate Avenger. Nothing gets me quite so fired up and pissed off and inspired as this band. They are fucking awesome. And the song, "Web of Lies"? Perfect for running around the track while in utter, endless pain. Because! I will rise up and overcome the Web of Lies, yes I will! Now, if it had shuffled to "The Bible is B******t," I'd still be running around that track.


I need to thank Tessie, and Erin for their inspiration. I wouldn't be making a complete fool of myself on the track if it weren't for you!


[This is absurd; this has taken me nearly a week to write... Let's just say it's been one helluva week. And unfortunately there have been no visits with the gym to update this post with. But! Tonight! I will be huffing and puffing my way around the track...]


  1. I prefer the track to the treadmill for the exact same reason. And, I really want an iPod shuffle now. My old MP3 player is neither cute, nor cool.

  2. hee, and i have to run on a treadmill and not a track, because the only thing that keeps me going is being able to count down the mili-miles before each milestone and before i get to STOP.

  3. I love this! You are a total runner! If it helps, I've never actually seen anyone get sucked under the treadmill.

    Fridays are the slowest day for gyms. I know because I KEEP TRACK of shit like this FOR MY JOB. SNORE.

  4. You are great and so consistent! I'm impressed! Also, only gaining three pounds over the holidays is so heroic that it basically qualifies as losing weight.

  5. LoriD - Before the shuffle, I was the funny non-Trad running around with a giant, red DISCMAN. At least you have an MP3 player; it was NOT long ago that I was totally mystified by all this "MP3" talk.

    Alice - AWESOME point. Maybe I will brave the treadmill, once I am past ONE-MINUTE INTERVALS. Geez.

    Tessie - Thanks for the hearty enthusiasm! Boy, does it help. And those stats you have to keep? Holy hell. It makes food stamp info seem exciting (but still desperately sad).

    Jess - I am totally going to run with this idea that so little weight was gained during the holidays as to count as lost weight. Woo woo!!!!

  6. I need the television that is affixed to the treadmill. Plus my gym is small (a neighborhood type gym) so it's either the treadmill or the elliptical and I look like a goose on the elliptical. On the treadmill I just look like a dying chicken.

  7. Hands down, the best blog post you've ever written.

    "I just know I will be sucked underneath it. Sucked. Underneath. By a moving floor."



  8. I laughed so hard at the 'sucked underneath the treadmill' line. I hope you don't watch "The Biggest Loser" because I think in the last two weeks, someone's slipped on their treadmill and gone flying.

    I absolutely need music when I'm running. NO EXCEPTIONS. Otherwise I start to get paranoid and think that my asthma is narrowing my airways.


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