Friday Five

1. Thanks for the Get The Grumps Out suggestions. You guys are awesome, you know that?

2. After my late afternoon therapy appointment yesterday (which was productive, but I was still grumpy), I called in to work to let them know I wasn't coming back. I just didn't feel like it, dammit. I am in the middle of projects that bore me to tears, and it is so hard for me to give a shit once I am bored.

3. After A. got off of work, we decided to go back into town and go to dinner and just enjoy the weather. It was so good to reconnect, rather than what has become our routine of late: scarf down dinner together and then separate. It was nice not to go hide from him in the back room to work on The Thesis. It was so nice to talk to him and just enjoy him. I do love that man.

Our little outing together did WONDERS for my mood.

4.  I have started to job hunt, in anticipation of finishing The Thesis. I found a job that is part patient advocate (ALWAYS wanted to do this) and part family/patient coordinator/navigator-thingy at a large hospital in Denver. I would love this job. Sure, it would be tough, especially those days when I have to try to get a surgeon to quit being a dick and talk to a patient's family. But I am not in the least bit intimidated by surgeons or other arrogant, entitled fucks, so I think I would be good at it.

I would never be bored in a job like that.

Also? I would always wonder if I was about to be fired! The anticipation! I mean, I doubt surgeons enjoy being called dicks, you know? It would only be a matter of time until I got canned.

5. A goddamn English sparrow has been hanging around our bird boxes. Both a Mountain Bluebird pair (my favorite! I hope they move in!) and a pair of swallows (gorgeous) have been checking out our boxes. And now there is this Asshole Sparrow hanging around, being a bully.

When I stumbled out of the bedroom this morning to pour myself a cup of coffee, I was startled completely awake as A. ran by me, swearing. He is a total morning person, so this was weird behavior. I mean, just minutes before he was singing, "Good Morning! Good Morning! It is good to get out of bed! Good Morning, Good Morning! It is good to get up, sleepy head!" (Fucking morning people.)

Anyway, he rummaged around the hall closet until he found his sling shot (purchased for the sole purpose of Sparrow Deterance), and opened the front door. He was taking aim at the little bully when the sparrow flew away.

"Crafty little devil. He knows what's coming."

We, um, take our role of Protectors of the Bird Boxes rather seriously.

Good Morning and Happy Friday to you!

Oh, Just Cheer the Fuck Up, Already.

I am in a funk.

There. I said it.

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I don't think it is a depression funk, per say. I think it is a normal, life-is-a-pain-and-kind-of-sucks-sometimes funk. I think.

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The Thesis is still not finished. It is getting much closer, but damn. It is still alive and taking up much too much of my headspace and energy. I just need to wrap it up, defend it and call it good. I hope to ship it off to my advisor next week. I am sure there will be more revisions after he sees it, but it will be his problem and not mine for a bit.

No doubt this has plenty to do with my mood.

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We have gone three days without a fire. It is nearly 80 degrees today. Problem is, I don't believe it.

I keep looking to the horizon to see when storm clouds will move in. There aren't any visible today. I feel totally discombobulated by this turn in weather-related events. Wha? Could it be? Could summer finally be here?

I am not sold just yet.

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I have a therapy appointment this afternoon. I am not in the mood. I just want to be left alone today, you know? Hm. Maybe I am in a depression funk. Shit.

Maybe not. Maybe I just don't feel like leaving work, where I am swamped, to go talk to someone about how my mother had more of an impact on my head than I realized. Maybe I am just not in the fucking mood.

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I am going to plant my ITTY BITTY garden this weekend. I think. Depends on if I believe Winter has finally left us for a few months.

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Perhaps being outside and doing something productive, that has nothing to do with sitting at a computer, will help. Let's hope so.

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DAMMIT. I need to cheer up already.  What are some things that have made you grateful or delighted lately? Help a grumpy girl out, will ya?

Tid-Bits

Turns out that $700 of unplanned (or poorly planned, as it were) car work and new tires really wreaks havoc on a budget. A budget with very little wiggle room. Good times.


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I have not bothered to update or keep up with our household budgeting for the past two months while working on The Thesis in overdrive. A. could do it, but I haven't asked him too. Maybe I should, seeing as how that $700 had a much bigger impact on my checking account than I'd counted on. He's already handling nearly all the household chores and cooking, however. Maybe I can get my shit together in a couple of hours on Saturday. Gah.

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I have to make SIGNIFICANT progress on The Thesis by Sunday, as A. and I are FINALLY going to a Rockies game! A.'s sister and her hubby will be in Denver and I am looking forward to hanging out without any kiddos. Love the niece and nephew, but grown up activities are fun, too!

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It snowed and was blizzardy and shitty yesterday. We have only had ONE full 24-hour period where we haven't had a fire going in the stove. Ridiculous.

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The last of the snow melted off around noon today, and we finally have some buds showing up on our apple and choke cherry trees. I saw some purple tulips in town today. I have never seen purple tulips.

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Boy, this post was a huge waste of your time. Sorry about that.

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Happy Wednesday!

Oh, Hi.

Oh, Hi.

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I would like to write but feel guilty not spending time on the Thesis. It is moving forward! Last night was a very productive night, in fact. Wahoo! The end is in sight!

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I just locked down my Facebook privacy settings. Apparently I am feeling paranoid.

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Perhaps the paranoia is with good reason? Somehow my personal email address, that is not affiliated with this blog or anything leading to this blog, brings up this blog in a Google search. Wha?! Any ideas how this could happen? Possible fixes?

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I broke down and bought the Clarisonic Mia (the pink one, even!) and I love it. My skin does look a bit better, it feels totally awesome, and it is so relaxing to run that brush over my forehead at the end of along day. It is like a weird little massage. So. Yay for extravagant birthday gifts!


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Carry on.

Not Quite Friday

I have had too many whiskeys. Many folks on TV have four eyes. The hilarious black guy in the warehouse on The Office? Four eyes.

I have defended my high opinion of Gwenyth Paltrow. Which, regardless of my blood alcohol level, remains steady. No matter her privilege and unreasonable-to-poor-people metabolic diet, I like her.

Also - IT IS SNOWING. SNOWING.  YES.

As I post this, it is still May 6. May 6 at 10: 26 p.m. AND IT IS SNOWING. This is the third time it has snowed on May 6, 2010.

I may need more whiskey.

Come on, Universe. Please?

Currently the skies are as cerulean blue as I have ever seen. There isn't a cloud in sight. It is decieving; all that sunlight bouncing off of the buildings. It is also windy as hell and only about 34 degrees outside. It does not feel like spring in the slightest. Even the snow storm last night felt like a winter storm, not a "spring storm." And the 16 inches (16 INCHES!!!) that fell on Friday definitely didn't feel like a spring storm. As ridiculous as this sounds, it is hard not to start to feel hopeless.

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A. will be packing tonight for a 9-day turkey hunt. He has been looking forward to this for months. He put in for vacation time months ago, and has been obsessively studying maps and videos since. He has even taught me how to purr and cluck like a turkey hen (using a slate thingy and a stick, not my voice! Gah.) Every morning for, oh, the last six weeks or so I have awoken to the calls of a turkey hen. He hops out of bed, ready to read more about turkeys until he can't take it anymore and he has to practice his calls. This is how I wake up. Every. Morning.

I must say, I have been a really good sport about it. While this behavior inches me closer to the edge, it is what has kept A. sane. It makes him happy and relaxed to have something to study and a hunt with which to look forward. He is so excited -- so relieved -- to leave the job he hates for a week and spend that time in country he is less familiar with than his traditional haunts. He can't wait to go to sleep under the stars and wake up quietly at dawn. He needs to fill his lungs with fresh air and empty his head of the annoyances of interacting with people all day.

This is his therapy. I may blather on to a patient woman in a small but tasteful office once a week, but he needs to go outside and not talk to anyone for a while. This is his balm to a life he is not too happy with right now. He really, really needs this week in the wilderness.

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A. has been applying to jobs for just over a year now. He has received two interviews, a few rejection letters and more often than not, inconsiderate silence from the parties on the other end. For him, it has felt like a year of being told he isn't good enough. That working his way through college and graduate school was an utter waste of time. That he will never live the life he wants. That the little bit he is asking from the Universe is still more than he deserves. That his working toward a goal was foolish nonsense. That he has been duped.

This isn't true, of course. But hoo boy, Ii think it is hard for him. He can only hear that it isn't him, it's the job market so many times, you know? He can only leave the house to go to a job he loathes without any prospects in sight so many days. The process of putting himself out there at the mercy of a shitty economy has been dehumanizing and cruel.

It doesn't matter that others are going through the same thing. It is especially hard for me when a friend gets a promotion or a job they have been hoping for. A. is so kind, he only ever says that he is happy things worked out for them. He never lets himself say (or even think?? I don't know.) that he wishes it was him, just that once, that was delivering some good news.He is so generous and kind. He is so smart and perceptive. He is passionate about conservation smart land management. He would be such an asset to an agency. Why can't they see that?

He needs to be in the wilderness for a while.

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The weather forecast for the entirety of A.'s hunt has been getting shittier and shittier. It is going to be cold, windy, rainy and snowing. Turkeys tend to shut up during weather such as this, making it nearly impossible to find them, much less lure them in with calling.

I am so nervous about his trip. The last thing he needs right now is for this trip to be a miserable bust. Plus, it makes me all sorts of uncomfortable to think he might be wet and cold for days on end. We just bought a new tent, as ours was destroyed by the shitty weather in his elk hunt that went bust. So at least he will have a comfy, roomy tent. But still.  I hope that just being out there will do him some good, but damn, it would be great if things went his way for a bit.

Now, don't get me wrong. He is not moping around the house, nor do I think he is spiraling into a depression. He does a great job of finding ways to keep himself happy and he tries not to dwell on the negative. But he is very discouraged when it comes to finding a job in his field. He is still funny and still laughs and is kind. But I can see how this weighs on him, and it is really breaking my heart. What can I do?

I want so badly to go have a talk with The Universe and say, "Hey. This is a good guy. Why are you being such a dick to him?"