Well, A. forgot his TURNED-OFF cell phone in the truck last night, and thus forgot to call me when he arrived in Lander to say he'd arrived safely.
Since he's been having a variety of mechanical problems with the truck lately, I took this lack of a phone call to potentionally mean that he was stuck in the middle of the desert, outside of cell phone range, trying to get help of some sort. On a highway notorious for its lack of traffic. Hmmm.
I woke up every 30 minutes in a cycle of panic and reassurance wondering if he was ok and wondering what I should do. Worrying that I was worrying too much. Quit being hysterical, already. Everything is fine. He's a grown man who's found his way through more difficult situations that this. So he might have a very uncomfortable night ahead of him. It could be worse. He's fine. Right? Right?!?!!? What if it wasn't a stalled truck but an accident? What if some kind of action taken right this minute is what will determine if he lives or dies? You know, that kind of panic. I've had so much adrenaline bolting me out off fitful sleep over the past 8 hours that I am EXHAUSTED.
By 3:30 a.m., I'd had enough and I called the highway patrol to see if they had reported a truck parked on the side of the road matching a description of A.'s truck. They hadn't. Whew. There also weren't any accidents reported on that road. Whew, whew. I set up "An Attempt to Locate" on A. and tried to go back to sleep. It helped; I only woke up two more times.
I am so tired I think I am going to puke.
A. called this morning to say, "oops, forgot the phone in the truck." AAARRRGGGHHH!
He feels terrible that his forgetfullness sent me into fits of panic. I wish I could feel some measure of satisfaction that he feels miserable, but mostly I am just relieved he's ok. There is a little bit of pissed off mixed in there, too.
I haven't had a fit of panic like this in years. But am I just hardwired to freak out like this, or is there something I can do to keep from flipping out? Both A. and I have lost a lot of people in our lives, so I know the universe is capable of throwing some shit our way. I don't ususally let this kind of thinking take over, but last night this kind of thinking seemed to force itself on me, waking me from sleep.