I wrote this post once today. For whatever reason, it feels positively epic to have try and put it together again. (Also. Blogger, where the fuck did my post go?)
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I have decided not to go to the memorial. While it would be nice to see my family, a 24-hour road trip over the course of 60 or so hours just doesn’t feel reasonable. I think I will write a letter and ask my other uncle to read it at the ceremony.
I feel so much better, so unburdened, since making this decision. Maybe I am selfish jerk, but I just couldn’t face this long trip this weekend.
But, you know what? I think I am finally okay with making decisions now and then that take care of me.
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I am still wrestling with how to proceed on The Thesis. Do I just write 500 words a day and turn it in on Halloween, no matter what? Maybe.
The thing is, The Thesis has just turned into The Fucking Miserable Thing That Needs To Get Done. It isn’t about studying a topic I am interested in, it isn’t even about getting my master’s. I am trying to remember what motivated me to pull up my roots and leave all the people I love in DC to go back to being dirt ass poor and in school. What was it I was looking for? What was my goal, my dream? I didn’t do this because I had a specific career goal necessarily. I want to work in community development in non-profits, but I honestly could have done that without this degree. If I started an entry-level position in a community development agency I am sure I would have moved up the organization’s ladder and would be doing fulfilling work right about now. (Though, I love my current job.) School kind of got in the way of that, in a sick twist of fate.
Why did I do this?
Maybe if I can rediscover my original motivation I can use that as the reminder I need to just sit down and write every day. Then it might be less about just getting something done, which has very little payoff for me, to accomplishing a larger goal. Instead of finally losing something (the thesis would be gone, finally) I would be gaining something in the form of a larger goal/accomplishment met that means something to me.
Does that make any sense?
Gah.
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I have been pining over a sewing machine for quite some time, now. I think I have narrowed my choice down to this one, a Janome 8077. I think it would be good for a beginner (ME), but that it would allow for me to grow into it with more elaborate projects for many years to come. From reviews I’ve read, it is a good workhorse.
And speaking of projects, I already have a number of them lined up!
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I have decided not to go to the memorial. While it would be nice to see my family, a 24-hour road trip over the course of 60 or so hours just doesn’t feel reasonable. I think I will write a letter and ask my other uncle to read it at the ceremony.
I feel so much better, so unburdened, since making this decision. Maybe I am selfish jerk, but I just couldn’t face this long trip this weekend.
But, you know what? I think I am finally okay with making decisions now and then that take care of me.
++++
I am still wrestling with how to proceed on The Thesis. Do I just write 500 words a day and turn it in on Halloween, no matter what? Maybe.
The thing is, The Thesis has just turned into The Fucking Miserable Thing That Needs To Get Done. It isn’t about studying a topic I am interested in, it isn’t even about getting my master’s. I am trying to remember what motivated me to pull up my roots and leave all the people I love in DC to go back to being dirt ass poor and in school. What was it I was looking for? What was my goal, my dream? I didn’t do this because I had a specific career goal necessarily. I want to work in community development in non-profits, but I honestly could have done that without this degree. If I started an entry-level position in a community development agency I am sure I would have moved up the organization’s ladder and would be doing fulfilling work right about now. (Though, I love my current job.) School kind of got in the way of that, in a sick twist of fate.
Why did I do this?
Maybe if I can rediscover my original motivation I can use that as the reminder I need to just sit down and write every day. Then it might be less about just getting something done, which has very little payoff for me, to accomplishing a larger goal. Instead of finally losing something (the thesis would be gone, finally) I would be gaining something in the form of a larger goal/accomplishment met that means something to me.
Does that make any sense?
Gah.
++++
I have been pining over a sewing machine for quite some time, now. I think I have narrowed my choice down to this one, a Janome 8077. I think it would be good for a beginner (ME), but that it would allow for me to grow into it with more elaborate projects for many years to come. From reviews I’ve read, it is a good workhorse.
And speaking of projects, I already have a number of them lined up!
- Winter curtains for the house
- Summer curtains
- Curtains for the camper thing that sits in the back of the truck that can’t go anywhere. Might as well be pretty!
- Handmade everyday napkins
- Handmade holiday napkins
- Handmade special occasion napkins
- Handmade neckerchiefs for both A. and I
- A super cool Christmas present for A.’s mom and a couple of friends. (email if you want to know what it is, but you might be one of the recipients! If I get my ass in gear.)
- Kitchen apron
- artist apron (for when I paint)
- fruit and produce cozy’s to protect them in my lunch bag or purse
- Silverware pouch to take silverware along for homemade lunches away from home
- New seat cushion for A.’s grandpa’s cool wooden chair in our living room
- New seat cushions for the couch
- New throw pillows to accompany the new seat cushions on the couch
- New throw pillows for our bed and the guest bed
- Hem the two shirt dresses I have hanging in my closet to accommodate my short legs
- Hem pants to the proper length
- Hem skirts to the proper length
- Hem, take in, re-purpose old or thrift store clothes. (Currently, I am obsessed with this blog.)
- Eventually start to make my own clothes
So, I think I could get some use out of the damn thing. That is, if I knew how to sew. I don’t really know how to sew. I used to sew a little bit as a young girl, and could sew a mean pillow when I was 12. But I haven’t sewn since. I think tracking down a sewing class or mentor would be pretty easy, however.
Thoughts? Do any of you sew? Do you have any machine recommendations?
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Happy Thursday to you!
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I don't have any machine recommendations, but let's do a sewing class together, for real! With a machine and a good teacher it is not hard to learn.
ReplyDeleteI'm glad you're not going to the memorial. I think that was definitely the right choice.
I don't know what to tell you about the thesis. I hope you can find some of the original motivation. Good luck!
I havent sewn in years, but i remember watching my mom sew my dresses and at least half of the projects you have listed and wish i had the space and time to commit like you are starting to!
ReplyDeletei think the letter is a good idea, it cant replace you but at least your thoughts can be there...
and as far as the thesis, i really hope you find that original inspiration, just so you can get the chutzpah to finish the thing. i totally understand the frustration, but i know you are closer to the end than i! whatever you decide to do i am totally supporting you!!