I have not worked on The Thesis for a bit. I have a meeting with Former Thesis Advisor #1 Soon-to-Be Thesis Advisor #3 in one week. With Thanksgiving and a trip to Utah (Tabiona, if you are interested) to see my grandmother in between.
Ha ha ha ha. Oh, shit. HA HA HA HA HA HA.
It is my own fault. I am able to concentrate and whatnot, I just haven't forced myself to work on it.
I am having a hard time sitting down at the drab desk in the overcrowded home office. It almost feels like a punishment. I feel lonely in that room. I don't even like to update my budget or mess around with photos in that room. I feel badly saying that, as A. has tried reorganizing it for me on more than one occasion in hopes of me clicking with the room. No luck, so far.
I'd rather be hanging out in the living room, teaching myself how to knit and crochet. And maybe even sew.
Because, you see, I am starting to feel the creative in me again. Ever so slightly. I have long hidden it, for some reasons I understand, and for reasons that are currently too vaporous for my mind to wrap around. I am not quite ready to start painting again. But soon. Soon.
Part of it, I believe, is just that I am actively a part of my life, my world again. And the way I interact with the world is creatively, with imagination. I am not saying I am wonderfully creative or that my imagination is all that, just that those are my points of intersection with the world. Where my mind, my heart and my spirit find connections with the world in which I live. I suppose you could say these are the avenues of my reality.
I can't believe how much of my life was taken by depression and anxiety. I am thrilled to have it back. For a while, I was so protective of it, and terrified the depression would gradually sneak back in and steal it away. I am finally starting to trust that I am learning what my depression was and that I will recognize it if it resurfaces. A. keeps an eye on me, too. If I start to slip, I know he will approach me about it. I am so, so, so grateful for that.
Maybe I should tackle the home office as a project? Make it a space that I create, and therefore, as space I can create in?
Perhaps I will take some pictures and upload them. I will need lots and lots of help. Lots of ideas on how to do this with an itty bitty budget. Also, I like the idea of reusing existing materials or used furniture as much as possible. You know, save it from the landfill, yadda, yadda, yadda.
I don't have a lick of interior design talent -- or hell, even competency. I do, however, think I want to go with this color scheme:
That is supposed to be brushed steel on the right and wood grain on the bottom. Heh.