Fledglings

It appears that the Mountain Bluebirds successfully raised two little birds! They have fledged and moved on.

We are rather tickled in our household.

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I can't help but feel a certain connection with those tender young birds. Fly high, little ones. Fly high, fly straight, fly strong.

The Present

So, things are good. I think my doctor and I have found my own special cocktail of meds that are keeping me from sliding into a funk. I am consistently operating at a 7 or 8, rather than a 3. I am able to get out of bed nine days out of 10. I am not spun into a frenzy then flattened out by anxiety over and over throughout the day. I haven't gone over the edge in weeks. Many, many weeks. A disorienting spiral into hell had been a daily occurance. I cannot adequately convey how FUCKING AMAZING it is to be on an even keel. To have both feet in reality. I am feeling around for solid ground. I trust myself to recognize the solid ground and to plant my feet firmly to it.

It is just. so. good.

I am so, so grateful for those around me who encouraged me to get help and who have been so very awesome in supporting me. My family has stepped up and rallied around me. My friends take each new day that comes right by my side. A. is here with me, always. He stayed. He didn't leave me. (I don't think he had considered leaving me, and I think that is amazing. And humbling. And so full of grace.) He looked me in the eye, clearly seeing all that I am, and stayed.

I have no doubt that these people will accompany on my journey, however long it may be. I can only hope to be as good to them as they have been to me.

I just may be the luckiest girl in the world. Really.

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I am feeling better about the idea that I am on meds. I may be on them for a long time. I may not. I may have to adjust the dosage, even the type from time to time. And I really am okay with that.

The difference in the quality of my life is profound. And it isn't just the meds that have cleared the fog. Knowing my diagnosis and working to understand it has helped me reach into that fog and grasp the hand of the person I once was, the person I really am, the person I remember and pull her through the haze to the present.

I am starting to look myself in the eye, and see all of who I am more clearly. I don't think my road to recovery would be nearly as fruitful had I not included therapy. I am getting far enough into it that the sessions aren't just about getting to know each other and were I am, but about digging into those things I have kept so very carefully hidden from view. From mine, my family's, my friends, strangers. The hard, dirty work is about to begin.

I would be lying if I said I wasn't nervous. I want to heal, but I am not at all excited about the pain and work it will take to get there. I am scared.

It is like the notion of history and the present. History as a process, not the past. You can only really understand the present when you trace back the current conditions to a particular time in history, to a certain set of circumstances and structures that made it possible for the present to be produced. Then, you trace those steps forward again, back to the present. This is how you understand, annunciate the present. This is how you know the present.

Hmm. The present.

+++ UPDATE: And thank you to you, my bloggie friends! You guys have been more help than you will ever know.

Quick Question

Hey all,

I am working on a post, but in the meantime, I want to ask you a question.

What are you passionate about?

I can't wait to see what you say.

Friday Five

1. Work is kicking my ass. And stressing me out.

2. The Thesis is kicking my ass. And stressing me out.

3. I will be trying to read/write part of Chapter 3 of The Thesis in the car this weekend. We are going to Nebraska for a A.'s friend's wedding and to see my super-adorable nephew, M. I can't wait to scoop him up and squish him. CANNOT WAIT. 

4. It is a good thing I don't get the slightest bit car sick.

5. We will be camping somewhere in Nebraska tonight, in an effort to make this trip a tad more friendly to our rather empty pocketbooks (Yay for new computers, car maintenance, and homeowner insurance premiums!). I am going to attempt to get ready for a wedding at a campsite that boasts showers. I may have to straighten and style my hair in a gas station bathroom. 

I am trying to decide if I keep an admirable eye on my budget, am a champ for getting ready in whatever way necessary for a wedding, or if I am white trash. 

REGARDLESS: WE ARE FANCY.

Happy Friday to you!

Butterflies

Apparently, there is one motherboard that might be compatible with our fried computer. It costs $250, nonrefundable.

So! We are looking for a new CPU. Our current CPU is an HP, and other than it had Vista on it, we were happy with it. Do you have any suggestions? A. watches hockey online, we store pictures on the machine, I have The Thesis crap on there, but that is about it. We don't need anything for design or layout, film editing, gaming, etc. Pretty simple, actually.

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Um, we put Buster on doggy prozac. Is this ridiculous? Over the top?

The poor little guy has separation anxiety. His ever-increasing fear and uncontrollable bladder during thunderstorms are really too much to deal with anymore.

I hope the prozac works. He handled the first dose without any problems, but last night he barfed it right up with all of his dinner. Hmmm. He not generally a barfer, so it was definitely the meds. We have decided to stop the meds until next week. We are travelling to Nebraska this weekend and don't want to deal with side effects while on the road.

We are going to have to budget in new carpet before we sell the house. Gah.

/both Momma and pup are on anxiety meds and in therapy! Hee!

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On Friday, A. has a phone interview for a job in Arizona. It is a GREAT job, good salary, just what he wants to do. It is in a ITTY-BITTY town. Which would be okay, except that I won't have a chance in hell of finding work. But, this is the kicker. There is no downtown. NO DOWNTOWN. It is just sort of houses next to each other. Creepy.

Great job. Horrible place to live.

We both have some nervous tummies. What to do?

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Regardless, I am hoping will all my heart that he does great with the interview and that we have a difficult and complicated decision ahead of us.

Gah! Butterflies!

Friday Five

1. An acquaintance from England posted a link to the Re-burbia Competition on his twitter feed the other day. Holy hell, I am excited about this. This is the kind of work I would love to somehow be involved in for the rest of my life. If only I were actually qualified for such work. Instead, I am just really, really good at forcifully voicing my opinions about the blight that is suburbs to anyone unfortunate enough to be within earshot of me.

(I blame fucking suburbs for everything. EVERYTHING. Pollution! Crime! Lack of social networks! Dissatisfaction! The mortgage meltdown! Oil dependence! Successful Fearmongering Campaigns! The widespread poor health of Americans! EV-ERY-THING. )

So, I have decided to submit an entry! Because I really need another deadline on July 31.

2. I took yesterday afternoon off from work to go fly fishing. A. and I went to one of our favorite spots - in fact,it IS my favorite spot. We go here at least once or twice a year. It felt so, so good to be out there, fishing. In fact, I couldn't fall asleep last night because I kept replaying the afternoon in my head. I just wasn't ready to let the afternoon go, apparently.

3. I am not joining A. and some friends for a camping trip to the same area this weekend. I am staying home to work on The Thesis. I am making progress.

4. The Universe insists on fucking with my efforts, however. Monday afternoon lightening struck the utility pole to our house. Even though the electricity to the house was already out, that strike fried our computer. Ha ha!

We replaced the power source to the CPU and that wasn't the problem; it is most likely the motherboard. A motherboard that is apparently impossible to find anymore. The computer is only a year old, for Pete's sake. So, I may go computer shopping Saturday morning.

Fortunately, I have every. last. file. associated with The Thesis backed up on a back up drive, an online back up site, AND a USB flash drive.

5. I was once called paranoid. Now I am called smart.

Happy Friday to you and yours!

Friday Five, A Day Early.

1. My honey is sick. What a bummer of a way to enter a three-day weekend. What a bad thing.

2. I suppose this means I will have more time to myself, and thusly, more time to work on my thesis chapters. And that is a good, if not very fun, thing.
 
3. I figured out how to update my twitter (ridiculous! word!) feeds via my cell phone. I feel spiffy. Especially since I have my twitter feed update my FB status! I AM FANCY.

4. I am so, so, so happy to be in treatment -- in all its glorious forms -- for my dysthymia and anxiety. I am perhaps most thankful for the relief from the anxiety. Every day I am amazed at just how incredibly miserable I was and how painful it was to experience life. I never want to give my emotions/whacked-out brain chemistry that much control over my life again.

5. I will likely repeat this statement when I ever get around to posting my fitness goals, but the pose I most want to achieve in yoga is this:

It doesn't seem like much, or very dramatic, I know. But I am totally inflexible. Always have been. To be able to be standing perfectly upward and perfectly downward at the same time seems like it would be one of the coolest trips ever. Not to mention I could sure use a rush of blood to my brain on a regular basis.

Do you have any fitness goals?

Happy Friday!