Friday Five

1.
Buster is consistently doing "fake jumps" before he finally jumps up onto the bed in the morning. These scrambly, hoppy acrobatics are like false starts, like he has to convince himself he can do it or he is warming up his hips or something.

It is breaking my heart. 

I find myself thinking about when it is time to give that ultimate gift: mercy. To let the dogs go when they are old and in pain. I am so afraid this is coming soon. 

I can't believe how hard this has been on me, actually. I guess the last time I had a dog put down I was a kid. I cried for days. But I was crying for a loss. Now, I am crying from carrying that wonderful burden I took up when I decided to care for these creatures. It is an awesome, horrible thing.

2.
This morning, as I was driving into town, I thought to myself, "Oh! I bet it will be easy to get parking space today. I am sure a bunch of folks are taking off to go hunting."

I was right. Delightful!

It struck me, as I parked in my easily-found space, how different regions of this country are so very unique in the patterns of the everyday minutiae. Indeed, it is everyday life that jolts me the most deeply. It makes the big, obvious differences between the western Rockie region and DC seem like exibitionistic performances. A staged play that we are all in on. But the everyday moments demonstrate how totally different it is to live in the Rocky Mountain West from the East Coast, and especially DC.

I am grateful. I clearly took living out here, in this way, for granted before I moved to DC. Now I get to delight in it. I was able to revel in the differences while living in DC, but it was DC that shook me. Now it is the West's turn to speak up and demand my attention.


3.
Winter is rapidly approaching. This weekend we are supposed to have super crappy weather: wind, rain and snow. Gross. But we've had a bit of a discernable fall, so I will try not to complain too much. 

4.
Although I am not looking forward to EIGHT MONTHS of winter, I have kind of enjoyed the winter preparation activities. Draining and rolling up the hoses, moving the patio furniture to the shed, getting the windows and doors ready. It feels a bit like some kind of ritual to recognize and usher in winter. 
 
5.
I am planning all sorts of indoor projects, too. I am going to try and sew some totes for our camping chairs. Start baking bread again.  Knit something and FINISH it. I would love to knit a few baby blankets, but that may be setting an "unrealistic goal."

How are you all? How has autumn been treating you?

Happy Friday!

What If

Last night, as I was drifting off to sleep, I wondered what my life would be now if I'd decided to wait just a bit longer to leave DC and move to Wyoming. What if I'd put grad school off for one more year?

Maybe I would have dated that cutie pie named Derek. I met him at a post-kickball gathering at The Irish Times. I think we were both wearing our "umpire" red t-shirts that night. Yes, I think that is why we started talking. He was sweet. He lived in Maryland. He traveled to Baghdad frequently for work. He was a Republican. But he sure seemed nice. I met him a month before I moved.

Maybe I would have traveled to one more country before being land-locked. (Flying from Denver is SO. MUCH. MORE. EXPENSIVE. than traveling from the East Coast!) Maybe I would have finally gone to Turkey. Or Morocco.

Maybe I would have continued sinking further into my dysthymia depression. Somehow, I think that living alone in that city with this illness would have turned out much, much worse for me. I wonder how depressed I would have become. I wonder if I would have had someone there to tell me to get help. I think there are a couple of people who would have, if I gave them the opportunity. But it was so much easier to hide in the city. I am afraid I would have just hid from everyone and slowly faded away into something grey.

+++

As it turns out, I met an incredibly genuine and honest man who has never traveled to Baghdad. A. doesn't just seem sweet, he is sweet. He is a Socialist. I met a man who taught me how to fish and who wakes me up with turkey calls. I met the right man. I met my companion for this life.

I have seen so much of the Rocky Mountain West in the past six years. It has done my soul good to be in the mountains regularly. I love being in the water; standing in a mountain stream is a true joy and seems to remind me of my connection to the Divine. It has been a pleasure to get to know the valleys and creeks and critters. To get to know the rhythms and patterns of the natural world. To know a place intimately, rather than just flirt with it for a few days. (Though flirting is fun and I will never turn down a trip!)

I have been gently led to my path of sanity, led back to my right mind.

+++

I am so thankful I had the guts to leave DC in 2004.

Skiing

The week spent fly fishing was so, so wonderful. The area in which we fish every year is one of my most favorite places on this earth.

The trip was also quite therapeutic. I did not think I was overly stressed out, but judging by just how damn good I felt when we returned home, I must have been wound pretty tight. 

It was great to just hang out with A. Usually, our friend MG joins us, but was unable to make the trip this year. I felt so content just hanging out, fishing, cooking over a campfire, etc. We were able to enjoy each other and spend our days and evenings however we wanted. 

As usual, I fell even more in love with A.

 

AWWWWWW. I know. I will shut up now.

About that.

There was a morning that I positively wanted to maim A. Oh, yes. Or at least throw him down the damn mountain we "walked" along.

An unending stream of perfectly articulated variations on the "Come to Jesus" theme ran through my head as I bumbled my way across TWO hills and down a goddamn mountain. (I swear it was a MOUNTAIN.) No, no, this is not a usual state of affairs between A. and I. No, this ugly tirade fills my brain whenever A. wants to "walk" (i.e. hike, climb, FALL) to a fishing spot that is promised to be "just over this hill" (over the hill beyond the hill we are already standing on plus another hill we can't see yet).


Hmft.

HA HA HA HA.  I loooooove this. In river sandals. It is my favorite outdoor activity! 

(I admit that I am really an asshole about this. I don't say any of this out loud to A., and I think I did a better-than-average job of keeping my attitude in check.)

You guys. I wish I would have stopped to take a picture of the absurdity I went through to get to this particular stretch of river. Never mind that I caught a 15-inch cutthroat trout. (That was fun.)

I skied down the mountain. Yes. Skied. I am positive the decline was at 45 degrees or higher. It was INSANE. Well, for me it was. A. only grumbled a couple of times and that was usually in response to my melodramatic grunts from Extraordinary and Ridiculously Superhuman Feats of Mountain-side Gymnastics. 

Much of the mountain side was covered in dense vegetation, lots of aspens, pines, and other Sturdy Mountain Plants. I basically just let myself flail downward, sticking a foot in front of me and hands raised in front of my face to keep from getting whipped by all the plants. I was simply propelled by gravity. It was useless for me to really get any kind of footing. I was wearing my Chaco river sandals (kind of bendy, and I was hurting the hell out of my toes) and couldn't see the ground regardless. So, I just slid along the shrubbery and trees in front of me, grabbing hold of Sturdy Mountain Plants to stop my fall. 

I was being utterly ridiculous, but it worked. I made it down the MOUNTAIN.

I will let you imagine how fun that was. Oh, also: I had to keep up with A. who was Moving Ahead with Purpose. You know, way too damn fast for my bumbling idiot self.

Good times! 

This really was the least steep and vegetated section of the MOUNTAIN side in which to travel. Half of my whimpering may have included the phrase (with variation), " I cannot fucking believe we have to go BACK UP THIS later."

Yeah, I was a real treat to be around that morning. 

Don't get me wrong. I genuinely hated that half hour or so. But otherwise? It was heaven. 

And I am genuinely glad I was there with A. He was thoughtful enough to scout out a much less steep area upstream for us to climb back up at the end of the day. Maybe next time I can try not to be such a brat.

Friday Five

1.
A. and I are packing and planning for our 3rd Annual Western Wyoming Fly Fishing Trip. I am pumped.

We both managed to take an entire week off of work so we can really just get away. Our friend, MG, who normally joins us for this trip is unable to make it this year. I am sad he won't be there, but it will be really nice for A. and I too have this little getaway for just the two of us.

I love, love, love this part of the country that we will be in. It is so gorgeous. We will be high in the mountains. I don't feel claustrophobic in the mountains, even when we fish our way up a narrow canyon. I wonder why that is? When we stopped and wandered around the Salt Flats, however, I felt weird as fuck.

2.
Last night A. and I were watching the third Pirates of the Carribean while planning our trip. Maybe that weird sequence in Davy Jones' Locker contributed to my unease at the Salt Flats?

3.
I am a bit stressed about work. I am really, really busy and this trip is poor timing. Or great timing, as it gets me away from my desk and out in the real world for a bit. Regardless, I am shutting down at 5:00 p.m. on the dot.

4.
I finally met my best friend's baby daughter this week. You guys! It is a wee JelBel! I just fell so, so very in love with her. I am so sad they live in D.C.

5.
What are your plans for the weekend?

Happy Friday to you!

Sugar and Cream?

It was nice to see family last week. I am quite sure that the reality of Noni's passing has not hit me yet.

++++

I get to meet my best friend's baby daughter for the first time tonight.

++++

Things even out in the best way, don't you think?


++++

I drank my coffee black this morning as I forgot to buy half-and-half at the store last night. I am not minding this.

Are you a coffee drinker? How do you take yours?

Rich

Life has been full the past few months.

++++

The fullness and richness of life is especially apparent to me this week. Monday we lost Noni, our grandmother. She had been in the hospital for some time, and her passing is ultimately a blessing. However, it does not make it hurt less to say goodbye.

Noni is part of a pair: Noni and Popi. I am so sad for Popi. They were just short of their 61st wedding anniversary.

She was a fantastic quilter. She is actually my step-grandmother, but truly I make no distinction. I only mention it because of my favorite quilt from her. Noni made nine quilts for all of her grandchildren for our first Christmas together as a blended family. My sisters and I all received one.

++++

There is a young man who is frequently in front of a building at my workplace. He is always trying to flip his skateboard and land on it. I do not know the name of the maneuver. it is a pretty basic one and probably has a name.

He has been at this for months. I have yet to see him succeed.

And yet, he is there, out in a very public place, trying and trying again. Usually around the noon hour when there is plenty of people around.

He inspires me. It is time to put myself out there.

++++

I am going to start applying to jobs I want, not just that I think I am qualified for. I am going to apply for a position in particular that kind of terrifies me, but would also be a dream come true.

I am going to start painting again, and show my work. I will not hide it in a closet.

++++

How are you all? I have missed you.